The party’s on, the feelin’s here, that only comes, this time of year….yada yada, enough already. It’s Christmas, we get it. As close to the spirit of goodwill to all men as we are ever likely to muster, BTLM is once again ready to act as your personal Christmas shopper and offer up a barrage of deeply awful retro football present ideas from the 1950s, 60s and 70s.

Return Of Retro Shopping With BTLM is focused on clothing and accessories so we can turn you into a dedicated follower of fashion that people will seek here. And there. You square. And remember, ridicule is nothing to be scared of.

 

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Nylon Socks by SportItalia. Ah socks, the Xmas present staple. We featured socks in last year’s Xmas shopping posts, we’re doing it again this year and, goddammit, we’ll be doing it again next year too. If you aren’t watching The Sound Of Music while sporting generically coloured socks with your favourite club’s name woven into them, can you really claim to be a true fan? BTLM thinks not.

Supertops. Two wrongs do not make one right as that 70s fashion trend for combining plunging v-necks and bat wing collars on the same item of clothing ably demonstrates. We’re suspicious about the lifespan of those Supertops motifs though: they have the look of the sort of stick-on transfers that will end up all over one of your Mum’s bras the first time your new t-shirt goes through a hot wash.

Sheepskin. There were only two materials that truly mattered in the 1970s, although you would be advised to expose neither to a naked flame. Or water. Or social situations that required a modicum of sartorial elegance. Draylon was one and sheepskin was the other. Wearers of sheepskin coats laboured under the false delusion that they were clad in some sort of high quality product. That reality was quite different and it was hard for them to be supercilious when the smallest rain shower left them smelling of wet dog. Perhaps that should read wet sheep, but as we’ve never been close enough to a wet sheep to know how they smell, we’ll stick to wet dog.

World Class Willie Tie. A touch of much-needed class for our clothing ensemble thanks to the combination of a tie and a cartoon lion from the 1966 World Cup. Something suitable for Christmas lunch we think although the Willie logo on the tie is so minimalist, Auntie Geoff with her bad eye will think you have spilled a blob of bread sauce on it.

Gilt Tie retainer with kicking footballer motif. In case your classy World Cup Willie tie develops a life of its own, or you keep accidentally dipping it in your Grandma Bernard’s Babycham; a tie retainer will keep your errant apparel under control. It’s gilt and there’s a generic kicking footballer motif: luxuriate in that quality and fine design!

Supporter Belt Buckles. If the Arsenal and Tottenham examples in this advert are anything to go by, these buckles look like as if they have been whittled by a craftsman wearing boxing gloves and then exposed to the opening of the Ark Of The Covenant from Raiders of The Lost Ark. A man has to wear something to keep his breeches up I suppose.

Cossack sports bags. And finally we have Phil Parkes channelling Jack Nicholson from The Shining in an odd sales pitch for his lurid looking Cossack sports bags. This is the most useful purchase in our collection as you can use it to take all the other tat to the local charity shop come December 27th.