Our second and last (for this year at least) collection of Christmas clutter and pathetic paraphernalia to give you an insight into what football fans from decades past used to wake up to on Christmas morning. Rose tinted glasses and the sepia glow of nostalgia that permeates BTLM notwithstanding, aren’t we all glad that iPads exist to fill that Christmas present void these days?

You can see all our previous Retro Xmas Shopping posts here.

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Replica FA Cup. Products that tend to be sold in a variety of sizes are usually labelled S, M, L and sometimes XL and beyond. These replica FA Cup trophies come in three perplexingly similar sizes ranging from one inch through to 1.75 inches. Perhaps the size chart should read Small, Smaller and Smallest. But then again, unless you have your own Tom Thumb at home to do anything useful with this pointless trinket, perhaps the sizes should be Dumb, Dumber and Dumbest – especially with prices that can exceed £21 in 1960s money.

World Cup Radio. If you wanted someone to slip you another 2 inch treat on Christmas morning – steady now – then you could have this slightly more useful billiard ball-shaped radio. Now we would be worried it would roll away when you put it down but we are more intrigued by its advertised ‘World Cup’ status. Does this mean it only works for a month every 4 years?

Soccer Pint Pot. Glassware that you can at least use to drink out of is useful, though we do get quite tired of the fairly ropy attempt to convince people that each glass is customised for your favourite club. A generic football image stuck on with the club name in Letraset is customisation in the broadest sense of the word.

Football Watches. Stiff-limbed soccer watch figure with a rotating ball for a second hand. Ugh. All too vivid childhood memories remind us that the second hand of a watch needs to be as light and streamlined as possible because it is perpetually moving and thus under constant strain. Take it from us: before New Year has arrived that ball on the second hand will snap off and be rattling irritatingly around the inside of your watch for the rest of its life. Which will be short.

Dave Watson Soccer Mate. We are quite confused about the Dave Watson Soccer Mate having found nothing on the internet to give us more of an idea what it’s all about. The advert suggests that it allows you to keep comprehensive records & stats on your favourite club which could mean perhaps it’s a blank notepad? There’s no clue about what a celebrity endorsement brings or adds to this particular pad party either. We reckon you could use Dave, Dee, Beaky, Mick and Tich just as successfully as ex-England defender Dave Watson on this one.

Manchester United Medal. We know that Manchester United fans waited a quarter of a century between winning titles, but this 1993 celebratory medallion in its oh so seductive red leatherette presentation case is a merchandising mishap too far surely? You too can stand in front of your bedroom mirror and pretend to be Clayton Blackmore. That’s our suggestion for a strapline and they’re welcome to have it, gratis.

Replica 12″ Highbury Stadium 1994. This stadium replica model makes us suspicious as the makers have chosen to use a photo of the real stadium rather than show the product itself – never a good sign. This is one of those ‘what the hell is the point’ football mementoes as we are pretty sure there will be no Adams, Dixon, Winterburn and Bould models on the pitch with their arms aloft practising offsides and bringing some proper authenticity to the scene. We reckon it’s one of those presents that you will leave on a chair somewhere and your Uncle Mavis will accidentally sit on it, leaving your Highbury looking like it would once the bulldozers moved in a few years later.

Football Broochette. More generic metal figures on your lapel, albeit one that looks like an unconvincing interpretation of John Cleese re-enacting his moves from the Ministry of Silly Walks routine. Do better.